90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.