My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.