My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.


Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another


Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up


Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone


So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”