@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

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@maryfairybobrry

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@brunopieroni

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

@mattZillaaaa

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

@clichedout

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@okimstillhungry

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.