*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
#parenting
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Friends that check up on you >
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?