We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.