[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
We all have our pet causes.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
everyone’s a critic
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Well, shit
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*