Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.