[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
You Might Also Like
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit