New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one