depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter