2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.