[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time