@River_Niles

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

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@noog

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@BlindChow

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@Ivsy01

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@edburmila

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time