Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Ron is short for Aaronald
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.