I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
What a kind woman! 😂😂
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry