The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.