Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Best table by far
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.