Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”