I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.