‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.