I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do