Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.