Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.