Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hackers play passwordle

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

why I oughta

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.