With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]