With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.