The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute