The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.