No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’