No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
when revenge coincides with naptime
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭