me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
You Might Also Like
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
not seeing the problem
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.