Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.