Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
what does he know…
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
✌️
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.