HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I finally found a reason to live again.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
This makes total sense…