That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
man i love columbo
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage