Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.