Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger