I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Stick it to the man
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.