since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
@ candidates for local office
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.