batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
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hear me out : pockets for your socks
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”