Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
i wish i could marry a nap
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
looks legit
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.