*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Happy Halloween 🎃
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[eats all your cotton candy]
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”