My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.