Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods