“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
waiting for halloween be like:
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.