People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.