I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You Might Also Like
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
dude it’s called proctologist
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad