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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?