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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
seems like a niche market
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.