keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
shit, they caught us—run!!!
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.