Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m calling the cops.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?