My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
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GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Just say no
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
#MeanwhileinCanada
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up