A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
You Might Also Like
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Customize Your Wedding.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.