*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
this is uni
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Its true…
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
This took me a second..
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate