“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I already tried new things thanks.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.