Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
You Might Also Like
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.