That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.