[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…