bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Stop sending me this shit.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”